This attorney worked with his attorney and fought for what was best for Sima and Nile. The abuser is telling the attorneys how he misses his family, loves them and how he wants to be with them. Her attorney suggests she get through the weekend and keep the no contact order in place and how she needs to be safe.
He came home that weekend. She felt that things were really going to change. It felt real and it felt like it was going to be the beginning of their family. The beginning of happily ever after. Monday rolled around, and nothing changed. It was back to fighting with the lawyers, losing weight and just not being in a good place.
She was able to find support through her boss who wanted to help her get out of the situation. She offered her a place to stay, someone to call, anything she could do to help Sima and her son.
Throughout all of this, cops would be called constantly because of the verbal fighting. He would be drunk, they would fight and he would call the cops accusing her of hurting him. She had finally gotten to the point of speaking back and standing up for herself.
One specific incident with the cops was when he had a scratch on his knee. He called the cops after an argument and had told these two female cops that she had pushed him down and drug him across the floor.
The officer that was talking to him came outside and she didn’t believe Sima’s story. She believed the fictional story of the abuser. “His story defends his injuries.” The cop proceeded to tell Sima that she doesn’t want them to come back because then they would take her child and they’ll both go to jail.
In that moment, Sima almost felt like not only had she lost her friends, family and any support system around her, these officers that were supposed to be there and help her, were on his side.
The cop asks Sima if he were to go inside and go to bed, would she feel safe. She agreed it would be okay, because he would be more of a risk on the roads and other people. However, she wanted all the keys to the house. They agreed.
A couple nights later Sima was doing her nails. Her abuser went to bed saying how much better she would be without him and how much better their son would do without him. She reassured him she loved him and didn’t want him to kill himself and tried reassuring him about their love. He was already drunk. He had a bottle of pills in the bathroom. Sima followed him and asked him what he was doing. He dumps the pills into his hand, throws them all in his mouth and washes it down with beer.
One had fallen on the ground, she picked it up and put it on the counter. She had been tracking how many pills he was taking because of his previous suicidal talk the last two or three weeks. She tracked back and looked at her account of his pills and it looked like he had taken 29 pills. She had no idea what to do. The cops had been to their house so many times and she didn’t want to call them again. So she called her mom, who’s a doctor. Her mother asked some questions and she told Sima to call 911 because his heart could stop, and he could die. Sima was still unsure so she called his doctor and spoke to a nurse. The nurse told her to call 911 immediately and made her promise to do so after she got off the phone.
Sima called 911 and the dispatcher told her to count his breaths and watch his breathing patterns and that there were paramedics on the way. She heads to the bedroom where he is lying down and she puts her hand on his chest and her arm near his mouth so she could feel his breath and his chest rising. Every time he took a breath, she told dispatch, and eventually it started to lesson. They told her to make sure the front door was unlocked for the paramedics.
Her response was, “Well, I don’t have any bruises.” The officer said she needed to come in and speak to a detective.
The detective was wonderful. He made Sima feel safe and cared for. He took her statement and heard her story. Afterwards, he spoke to the abuser. The abuser made Sima sound like she was the bad one, the abusive one, the aggressive one. He lied to the detective. She was getting so scared and frustrated because this guy had charm, looks and money, and she had nothing.
The detective got off the phone with the abuser and said that it was a he-said-she-said issue. Without more concrete evidence, there wasn’t anything he could do. He also didn’t want Nile to be taken from them because of these disputes either. He continued to provide empathy, but he said “There’s no marks on you.”
There was a no contact order put in place for one week after this incident. In that week she had to find an attorney. Her abuser retained the meanest and most expensive attorney around. Sima was looking for an attorney to represent her, they all balked when they realized who her abuser had. They were too scared to represent her against him. She finally met an attorney who agreed to help her. After being told who she would be going against, she said, “All right, let’s do this!”
The paramedics come in trying to talk to him and see what’s going on. The police are there as well. He couldn’t answer any questions and they told him he needed to go to the hospital. He refuses. The police told him, he either needs to go to the hospital with the paramedics or he’s going to jail. He’s leaving the house that night either way.
Across the way in their bedroom is a gun safe, but it didn’t have any guns. It was just full of papers and sentimental items. The abuser was telling everyone that as soon as they left he was going to blow his brains out and similar suicidal talk. Sima had to reassure them that they don’t have any guns. The paramedics recounted the pills and they were exactly like she told them. Eventually they strapped him to a gurney and wheeled him to the ambulance.
Sima called his doctor and they’re telling her that he needs to go to Broadlawns because of his many suicidal threats and attempts. He was not safe at the home.
It’s so chaotic and their neighbors across the road sees everything and the wife comes running over and holds Sima though it all. Sima takes her baby to their neighbor’s house with the husband and she and her friend, go to meet the ambulance at Broadlawns.
He is screaming at everyone, telling everyone that he is going to kill himself and he was going to succeed this time. He was threatening SIma and the nurse and himself, so they put a police officer in the room.
Sima is so confused. Her life is falling apart. Her husband is falling apart. She had seen more police officers in the last few weeks than she has in her whole life. She’s completely out of her element.
The doctor pulls her aside and asks her about what was going on and what she thinks he needs. She was recounting what his doctor had told her, and they had all agreed that he needed to go to the psych ward after his system is flushed.
Sima met her abuser on Match.com. He was charming and kind they took their time and hit it off. They went on dates and in January started dating. Eventually an unusual habit started to form. Every three weeks he would break up with her. No warning or true rhyme or reason. This was a repeated cycle. After expressing that the next time this happened, it was truly over and done, he did it again while she was out of town with her family. When she came back, she moved her things out of his place and took a pregnancy test.
After finding out she was unexpectedly pregnant, she had to tell him. He was not supportive and then proceeded to attempt suicide by overdosing on pills. She contacted his mom and drove to his house to take him to the hospital.
After that incident he continued his pursuit of a relationship with Sima. She still loved him and she was expecting his child so they got back together and eventually got married. It felt right.
As time went on things change, as they do and he was an alcoholic. As enthusiastic college football fans, her loving Iowa State and him loving Iowa, sometimes things would get intense. One game, Iowa State won and he was angry and aggressive towards her. She was not gloating or in his face about his loss and he began screaming and cursing at her and says “I’m okay if that thing inside your belly dies and Iowa wins all their games”
Things progressed and got worse and worse. In February, Sima had her son, Nile. Sima stayed home with the baby and the abuser was not cut out to be a father. He mentally and emotionally was not there for Sima and her child. The few times she did have to leave the baby with him for work trips, she was anxious because he was very neglectful. Because the abuser didn’t want the child to begin with, he didn’t want to take care of him, so he would say things to him and call him names.
Emotional and verbal abuse continued. He manipulated her and made her think and feel like everything was her fault. She was constantly apologizing for things that were not her doing. He even manipulated her into giving up her independence, like her bank accounts and credit cards and that’s when the financial abuse came. She was listed secondary on their account and did not have any access to the full details of their financial situation.
Sima then proceeded to get really sick. The stress and abuse led her to go from a size 6 to a size zero. Her confidence was gone as well as her independence.
The fall of 2014 they were tailgating for Iowa in Iowa City. He drank too much and started calling her names and she snapped. In front of his family and their friends, she screamed at him and instead of firing back, he didn’t react. After he went to the game, she said she was going to leave. She would pack up her son and take the car and go back to Des Moines.
Her Mother-in-Law told her if she left, she would call the police on her for a stolen vehicle, essentially trapping Sima in this situation. She stayed and he came back and didn’t say a word to her.
They left and he drove 90 mph to 100 mph back to Des Moines. It was a 60 minute drive when it’s usually two hours.
Mind you their child is in the back seat and the abuser is drunk.
She didn’t have shoes on, her purse, money, her phone. She had nothing. She had her baby. These neighbors were their friends who they tailgate with every year. Her neighbor opened the door and Sima said, I’m scared of my husband.
The neighbor welcomed her in and she told her everything that had happened and she proceeded to take their whole family into the basement. They didn’t know what was going on or what Sima’s abuser was capable of. Without her phone, her neighbor was able to contact her abuser’s mother, who basically said that that was between her and her husband.
She couldn’t call her family because during their relationship, her abuser cut off all her ties with her family and friends, leaving her feeling like she has no one.
Sima and her son stayed the night at the neighbors. That morning, sitting on the floor of her neighbor’s son’s bedroom, she called her mom, crying.
Her mom came over with a police officer to go back to the house to pick up her belongs. She knew you are able to contact a police escort to supervise a potentially unsafe situation.
Standing at the front of her door was Sima, her mom, the police officer and her neighbor’s husband knocking.
The abuser opened the door and he looked angry. Until he realized who was standing in front of him, then his face changed drastically.
They started to try to pack up her things, but everything she owned was in piles on the floor.
She grabbed a few suitcases and put everything in it. She grabbed Nile’s things and all of her belongings. She went back to the neighbors.
Sima didn’t have a car to go anywhere or even back to work. Her neighbors were so kind and invited her to stay with them so she could sort things out.
The officer then had to take a report on why he were there and why he had to chaperone. Sima told her story and he said, “This is domestic violence.”
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Life moved on and one time the family went out to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. Sima and her son were sitting on one side of the table with the abuser on the other side. He was drinking a beer and watching the tv and Sima was eating and holding the baby. She asks if he can hold the baby while she finished eating. Out of nowhere, he drops to the ground, he’s so drunk. The baby is in his arms is screaming in a crowded restaurant and everyone is staring. She picks up the baby, they pay the bill and leave. Outside, he starts screaming at her because she’s not letting him drive. She’s sober. He’s not.
They park the car behind BDubs and he’s continuing to scream at her. She says, “You won’t talk to me like this.”
He turns around to their son in the back seat who is sucking his thumb. He has always sucked his thumb.
The abuser turns around and says to their baby, “Get your fucking thumb out of your mouth you fucking faggot.”
Sima got furious and said, “Don’t you ever speak to our child like that.”
Right after that, he got up and left the vehicle.
He just disappeared. She called him multiple times with no answer and eventually he shut his phone off. She didn’t know where he was, so she left to go back home. He had ended up walking home.
He gets home, and they go to bed and the next morning everything is fine.
He proceeds to tell her on the walk home, he sat on an overpass and just imagined what it would be like if he just fell off on the highway. He was constantly thinking and talking about suicide and would share stories of when she had left him one of the times when they were dating, he put a rope in the rafters of the basement and they thought about hanging himself or multiple times he would swallow a lot of pills.
Over Easter Sunday, Sima was up and doing some cleaning and taking care of the baby, letting him sleep in. He gets up and announces he must do a bunch of errands. He had taken his medication from his psychologist and psychiatrist which mixed with all the alcohol in his system, had him falling into walls. He had no depth perception. Sima expresses her concern for him driving and he insists that he’s fine. He takes her car and comes back only a couple minutes later; he had run into the curb and the wheel and fallen off the rim. He had driven the car back home, parked it, then takes his jeep out to run the errands.
Sima is freaked out about her car and she’s looking on the internet about cars tires and so on to figure out how to fix this mess. He had an app on his phone that alerts him when someone puts in the wrong password on his phone, it would take a picture of you and email it to him. As Sima is searching through car information, an email pops up. It was of him and it showed his location at his favorite bar. Sima texted him and told him to call her if he needed a ride. She didn’t hear anything back, which wasn’t abnormal.
The next thing she knew, a police officer was knocking on her door asking for her husband. She didn’t know what was going on. The officer told her that he had hit a parked car in the parking lot of the bar and hit a sign getting off the interstate and someone had called in his plate. The officer was slyly nosing around like she was lying. She said she could try to get him on the phone and she calls him repeatedly. He finally answers, and he tells her he’s been in an accident. The officer says, “Another one? Where is he?”
He had ended up rear-ending someone and they had pulled over to a gas station. The cop then heads that way and proceeds to arrest him because he was drunk.
His one call was to her from the Urbandale Police Department. His mother had always told Sima that if he ever got arrested for drinking charges “You don’t pick him up. He needs to learn his lesson and let him sit in jail.” So she tells him, “I’m sorry. I can’t come get you.”
He flips out.
As the car is speeding down the highway, he cranks the music as loud as he could and Sima tries to climb into the backseat to protect her son’s ears since the abuser was not listening to her to turn the music down.
He finally turned the music down and said “You better believe when we get home, you’re gone. You are leaving.”
After arriving home, he went to their safe and took some money and left. She didn’t know where he was going or how long he was gone. She had no credit cards, money or anything in her name. Sima proceeded to take the rest of the cash out and tried hiding them when he came back.
He went back to the safe and the money was gone. He started screaming at her and he went looking for the cash and in the process dumped out all her drawers, ravaged her closet and dumped her jewelry out, along with her purse, which her child proceeded to play in. All the while he chased her around the house. She was frightened of him.
She had her cellphone and wanted to call her mom. But he cornered her in the kitchen and she stood about six inches from the corner of it. She put her phone behind her back and he pushed her into the counter and grabbed her phone from her.
Sima looks over to see her son playing with the items in her purse.
The abuser demands that she go and get the money that she hid. She agreed. She picked him up and walked to his bedroom, shut the door and climbed out her child’s bedroom window and ran to a neighbor’s house.
They kept him in the psych ward for three days. His parents brought him home while Sima was at work and he called her on the phone and he sounded amazing, sober and happy. It was really thrilling for Sima to hear that from him. Before they brought him home, his parents had cleaned out his whole wall of liquor, beer in the fridge and Sima’s wine so the house was completely dry. His parents stayed the night and everything was great. Sima even made a comment about if helping him not drink meant her not drinking, she would do that for him. His parents left the next day, midday, and he left then too and came back with booze and immediately started drinking. She could smell it on him. She found the whiskey in their garage freezer, and he was taking the time to pour it into his coke can to hide it from her.
Everything continues spiraling. Sima finally started confiding in a few friends and working on some relationships. She was finally reaching out and building relationships. One of her friends being a male.
The abuser calls her at work one day yelling at her because he has seen some emails with this male friend and accuses her of cheating on him. She goes home and he has her sit in the chair and read the emails out loud to him. He had emailed this male friend, pretending to be Sima, demanding he call and other things that Sima would never say. Overall a bizarre email. The male friend did end up calling and the abuser blew up at him, questioning if he knew she was married, and of course he did because he was Sima’s friend. The abuser was out of control by throwing a glass of water across the room, knocking things down and completely raging. Sima was sure she was the next thing to be hit.
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The abuser ended up calling a friend who got him from jail instead. As Sima hears the garage door open, she panics because he is home and she is not that one that brought him. She’s scared what he will do to her. She goes to the door and held the deadbolt shut as he was trying to get in and he overpowers her and opens the door. He was covered in glass because of his car accident and he’s making a mess all over the floor, where their son crawls. Sima is stressed out.
He continues to the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. Sima is furious that he just got out of jail for drinking and that’s the first thing he does. He gets up, goes to the kitchen and gets another beer, while the first one was still undone. He finishes both beers and goes to get his motorcycle jacket and goes outside. He comes back in and asks for help. He was in the process of taking his motorcycle out and had dropped it on it’s side.
This is the third vehicle in one day that he has wrecked. She helps him get the bike up. Since he was getting ready to leave, drunk on a motorcycle, Sima calls 911. As she’s on the phone with them, he comes back inside and is begging for help. All the while she’s saying things like “Okay, mom”, “hold on mom.” The officer is telling her not to hang up and that there’s someone coming. She puts the phone in her pocket and goes and helps him put the bike up, but she can’t get it back upright. As they are trying to get the bike up, the officers arrive and separate them to talk to them individually.
Sima is asking why they didn’t keep him in custody if he’s so drunk that he wrecked multiple vehicles. Their response is “We can’t. We don’t have the authority to keep him.” The officer was also saying how they can’t just take her word for it because that’s more of a domestic situation.
The officer that is with the abuser is asking him what he’s doing, where he was going, and he responds, “I’m just going to wash my bike.” The officer is skeptical because he was wearing his motorcycle coat and said, “Don’t lie to me.”